In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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