dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
