I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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