if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
