I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize