I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
