I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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