Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
