help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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