i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
