the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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