I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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