Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
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