i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
