the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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