nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
