I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
