I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
