I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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