How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
