My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
