I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
