I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
