I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
