Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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