There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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