he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
