i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
