I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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