I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
