i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
