I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Dignity is for republicans.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
