Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
