PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
