apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
