Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
