Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
