I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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