Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
