I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
