im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
