the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I love how my cats smell like pot.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
