I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
