My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
