I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
