i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
