So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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