i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
