to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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