let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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