so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
